TrucPhuongDoan

Có những điều vô cùng giản đơn: khi mùa xuân hoa nở, sau cơn mưa nắng lại về, nước luôn chảy vào miền trũng, và tình yêu của mẹ luôn chan chứa tràn đầy. 

You looked deep into my eyes, almost like you were asking ‘Is this really where we end up being?’. What do you think, I still wonder. I saw a guy with a broken leg on the train back home. He was carrying a Tesco bag full of food for a standard middle class new wed couple. Somehow every little thing just carries so much more significance when you view them from outside, as if you see more clearly. Doesn’t matter what kind of shit you are in, life carries on. It never stops. You rather go out and continue with it, or commit suicide. I guess that’s what we have to do now. 

We sat down on the couch; you turned on a football match, and I casually fell asleep on your lap. Most familiar scene ever since we got together. The comfortableness; the steadiness; the relaxation of the whole relationship. Each day passes by and despite the roller coaster speed of events, it’s a mess in it’s very own order. No surprises. So with sex. 

I slipped onto a scene where we were standing inside the church, getting married. All the faces, smiling, shouting congratulations. Honeymoon, lying lazy on my home country tropical beach, cuddling, teasing around, having joyful sex and eating exotic food. Something like contentment, like endless happiness formed at the corner of your eyes when you looked at me. The cheesy feeling you get through 80s 90s pop songs, give you goose bumps because they are true. It didn’t feel a life changing event. It’s just a mark, another mark we put down together along our timeline. 

The busy life of big cities threw us back into perceptions. Jobs, social life, extended families, gas bills and investments creep deeper and deeper. Nights when you come home exhausted, dinners no longer a relaxing time or rarely together, weekends when instead of going out for a spontaneous date we rather sleep in and hover around the house in quiet. It wasn’t that longer before we started to feel like it was almost a thousand years.

You looked deep into my eyes, as if you were asking ‘how did we end up here? Are we truly here in this place?’. We decided to take the family on a lavish holiday away from home. The whole family, cousins of all sorts kind. Slowly, time turned back to the time I first met you, the time when we first got to know each other. The shyness, the butterflies, the worries, and even the awkwardness. We would sit opposite during dinner, realising it has been a while since we were put at the same pace without flashing personal thoughts across our minds. We picked up on the jokes, the childish memories, the playfulness stories and the intense flirtatious energy we once submerged  under.  

After fallen asleep in your arms, resting my head gently against your chest, I woke up with you gone. A wave of sadness swept through me. Since when did we stop appreciating the little things we do together. Since when did we stop realising the joy of the company of the other. Since when we stopped to laugh, to care, to try. I ran downstairs. You came in, slightly out of breath but perfectly calm. We sat down on the soft carpeted steps, in the middle of the dimness of night. You turned to look at me with so much regrets, passion, love and confusion; and deeply in your eyes you ask ‘how do we get out of here to go back to where we once were?’. Not having the answers, I stroke my hand down your face, swiped away the raindrops dripping down your cheeks, smiled gently.

Your face was resting peacefully on the pillow on the other side of the bed when I opened my eyes. The night had drawn to and end, the very moment right before dawn. Tomorrow when we wake, we will once again go to work, to live the life we haven’t been able to refused. But I know at the back of my head, something has changed. We might not be the right one, and what we have might not be as perfect; but I am thankful for your presence, just the fact that we have gotten the chance to get this far.  

Tomorrow when I wake up,

The sky might be grey and the wind might be blowing,

But please tell me everything will be ok,

Please tell me that I am going to be alright.

There’ll be time I might doubt where I am going,

There’ll be time I don’t know what I’m doing,

But please be there to let me know

Time will pass, the answer will show.

Vậy mà giờ này chỉ một mình em khóc mãi

Nước mắt rơi trên hàng mi em khóc òa…’

-

Có những khi ngồi một mình nhìn ánh đèn thành phố rơi

Em nhớ những đêm trời sao tỏa sáng

Em từng ngồi một mình ngóng chờ anh.

Giờ đây giữa cuộc đời bộn bề chống chếnh lo toan

Em tìm kiếm phép màu nào giữa muôn trùng nỗi nhớ?

.

Ngày tháng ấy là ngày tháng ngây thơ

Giây phút nhuốm nỗi đau giờ cũng là hạnh phúc

Em về đâu để gom lại yêu thương đó?

Em về đâu để lại thấy tình em rạng rỡ lúc nắng mai?

.

Nói với em cuộc sống mai sau em là người hạnh phúc

Em cuối cùng cũng chỉ là một người đàn bà với mong ước nhỏ nhoi.

Em đâu cần điều gì to tát lắm

Vậy tại sao cuộc sống vẫn vô tình lạnh lẽo trêu ngươi!

.

Em nguyện cầu một thế giới cho anh

-Truc Doan-

Em không cứ vì anh vô tình quên lãng

Trong cuộc sống bộn bề mối dây dăng.

Tiếng dương cầm ngân dài, đêm tĩnh mịch

Họa bức chân dung anh đến vô cùng;

Pha màu sắc thành từng quầng thấm đẫm

Ướt mắt em nhìn ngắm tương lai.

-

Tiếng cười đêm chừng như xa thẳm.

Lặng giữa dòng người một trái tim băng

Anh đến rồi đi, như trạm dừng chân phía trước

Chuyến tàu rời ga, đêm thầm tĩnh mịch trôi.

Chiếc rương thần tràn trề bao bí mật,

Bàn tay run em lật dở năm dài.

-

Hoàng hôn trầm im lặng trong tiếng sóng,

Nỗi khát khao trầm mặc bóng hình anh,

Trong sương sớm bao trùm nơi ô cửa,

Tiếng ru nào ru một giấc ngủ trưa,

Cái nồng nàn vương đầy trong e ấp.

Em nguyện cầu một thế giới cho anh.

-End-

Phải cảm ơn Long đã chép lại bài thơ này.

Vuot Qua - Cao Thai Son - Tien Cookie

Có cơn đau nào anh chưa quen,ngày nào không hoang mang,
từ khi đôi ta biệt ly.

Có cơn mơ nào anh quên mơ về ngày em bên anh,
bật run lên trong mê man lạnh lẽo.

Nắng sinh ra là dành cho em,
ngập tràn ấm áp,và tô môi em thật xinh..

Còn bóng đêm ta lặn lội trong nhau,
nhòe màu da em,
nhòe đôi mi cong ướt nhem…

Chorus

Em vô tư mang tình yêu tới,
sao không vô tâm ngày em buông lơi,
Để giờ đây nghĩ lại lòng anh vẫn còn tha thiết.

Bao thương đau riêng mình anh giữ,
nơi em bên ai bình yên em giữ.
Trả lại em những ngày hồn nhiên mới quen.

Mang yêu thương xếp vào quá khứ,
khi mưa rơi đừng gọi tên nhau nữa
Đừng gợn lòng khi những ngày mưa kéo về lê thê..

Đưa môi hôn trôi về thương nhớ,
đưa tay em đặt lên con tim
Em cứ để cho tim nín lặng đôi lúc thôi…

He looked over my shoulders, into the stretched open space behind. Over his shoulders, I instead saw a clear blue sky with scatters of stars, typical of a beautiful winter night. Then I felt the chilled wind, flowing across my neck, rushed into the room. And his soft lips. I closed my eyes. I thought of so many things. It still occured to me as being so odd how you could engage with all the noises, faces and movements around you, and thought of that many things at the same time. Like your brain having a mind of its own, decided upon all your actions and thinking without you having a say. I thought of my handful failed relationships, the city where I grew up, the first day of my high school years, the basement where I first had sex, the snow, the naked branches of those trees outside the windows, the drugs we just did, and curly hair. Then nothing mattered. We always try so hard to make sense of everything we did, don’t we. Like we just have to find the exact answer for everything. At times I grew sick of it. Because face it, I don’t know everything. Particularly those complicated explanations. After all, I have written enough philosophy essays to want to turn my whole life into one. Not that I hate philosophy that bad. I know they say we should reason. In fact, I make so many attempts to. Many has been a success, many has not. Point is, it felt right at the time; they all do. Then you might wake up in the morning thinking ‘what the fuck just happened?’ What next? ‘Fucking hell, I can’t change it now!’ That’s what’s next. Life goes on. It never stops. 

So we were all there, somebody found a bottle a port in the fridge. Poor guy, shoudn’t have left it there in the first place. We drank that, listened to some badass youtube videos. It’s impossible to recall all the faces now, only those who made the significant. Hold my hands. Hold onto it tightly. Don’t let go. Not for tonight at least. Because I needed this, and you needed this. We exchange what we want from one another. Fair game, isn’t it? Since we’re here, let’s not worry about tomorrow. I took a deep breath. I was not like that you know. At one point in time, I thought moral, the famous heavenly moral within me was better than that. Then I think there must have been a turning point, upon which I realised I got fucked over so many times I actually didn’t care anymore. Was it because of those pain? Oh why talking about that now. But it’s true you know. That once you got stabbed so many times it stops hurting. And you fought back. Like rubbing salt into your own open wound. And it feels good. You feel good. Strange.

When the sun came up, all orders return to their original places. Close my eyes, I could only see deeper and deeper inside darkness. How to define, a beautiful colour, or just a blank stage of mind? We live, live in the unreal within the real world. Like those gooses fly to the South sky during winters, we run into our imagination when it seems unbearable outside, trying to seek for a place where we can make sense of ourselves, of who we are. But I cannot hide until eternity. To carry on living, when the sun comes up, we all need to wake up, leave our beds and face what we have to face. I put on a smile, but really don’t know if I should smile or cry. Emotions are the most mysterious thing human beings have to experience. At times I wonder, is it a gift from God, or is it what He created to punish Eve and Adam for eating that apple. The taste of the apple, bitter to sour, sweet to juicy, hard to soft, I have long understood. This body, this soul can only take so much, can only be used so much.

I started to hate all noises. They reminded me that there are people out there, good people, bad people, those who want to help us, but also those who want to step on us. Noises annoyed me. I didn’t even want to hear music. They say music is a very powerful thing. It can make you laugh, cry; make you feel joy but also make you feel pain. After all notes are just tones of sound which we recorded onto papers. I have spent so many days thinking about it, about what is it that surround us. What kind of forces we are being influenced by. All this, all this. Such headache. Can we not be bothered about such thing? 

The air was almighty cold. Morning air, full of dew, moist but sharp, cut into skins like a thousand needles flying at their best speed. Walking down the street, it felt like spring has finally started to reappear towards the horizon, very fresh. The night was young, now day was also young. Time, after all, does not fly by that quick. We, after all, still have moments where standing alone in the middle of a cross road, feeling like everything is being frozen for us to look at. The sight was so pure, like it never was distorted by human nature, like it had never been made dirty. It was a damp cold day, rain drops on leaves. Thousand of umbrellas, all different shapes and colours. Now and then, some kids ran across the pavement, kicked up slashes of water. Some turned to give them disapproval looks, some like me, just smiled. Why being so critical about something so joyful. 

Talking about kids, I have read somewhere, possibly in one of the book I owned from ages ago, that the world of kids are just as evil as the world we - adult - live in. Exploitation, abuse, inequality, lies, insults, … they all exist. Only because kids do not have words to call them, we misunderstood that we were all young and innocent at one point in our lives. No, my dear friend, we weren’t. We have always been like this. The world since the beginning has been filled with sins, with ugliness. Nobody, not even God, can chase away the evil spirit surrounding us. That is why we only talk about forgiveness on judgement day. God too can only do so much as forgiving. Then what are we all fighting for ultimately? All the tales, all lessons we try to teach our kids about the battle between good and bad, the one which good always win. Does it though? It can never win. It can only prevent the bad from dominating for so long. That so long can be seconds, can be minutes, can be days, can be months, can be a life time, but not eternity. What is the point, now that I have talked about it, of us fighting this battle? Can’t we just embrace evilness as a part of us, a part of human nature. Embracing it and work with it. Not in the sense of giving in, but to make it our advantages. Because we understand how it works, its mechanism, we can use it to advance our journey until the day it ends. 

Just thinking about all this and trying to make sense about all this give me confusion. I got onto the tube, decided to go home to have a good sleep. It’s time anyways, and I deserved one. We live like owls, coming out at night, then fly back to our safety net during day time to have a rest. Another odd point. 

-to be continued-

Đôi khi em mệt mỏi. Mệt mỏi đến tận cùng, chừng như không muốn nhấc chân bước tiếp nữa anh ạ. Cũng không phải đã nhiều năm tháng trôi qua từ khi ta mất nhau, nhưng có lẽ khi ta trẻ, thời gian trôi chậm chạp. Không còn yêu anh, không còn nhớ cũng chẳng còn hay nghĩ về anh, chúng ta giờ là những người bạn tốt. Thế nhưng kí ức của hàng chuỗi sự kiện ngày ấy vẫn còn vang vọng trong em. Có lẽ, vì tình cảm khi ấy đến đột ngột, mạnh mẽ và thoáng quá nhanh, cái dư âm đọng lại vương vấn như vị ngọt của thứ chocolate đắng 80% cocoa em vẫn thường ăn. Em đã cố gắng rất nhiều, cố gắng kìm nén tất cả, xếp chúng lại sau lưng và mỉm cười bước tiếp. Em đã cố gắng không hoài tưởng quá nhiều, cũng chẳng mong chờ gì nhiều nhặn ở tương lai. Được biết, được yêu anh và được anh yêu đối với em như một giấc mơ đẹp. Em ước gì em chỉ có thể nhớ được quãng thời gian hạnh phúc em đã có cùng anh, hơn là nỗi đau mà nó để lại. Em bảo rằng tất cả đã được thời gian chữa lành hết. Sự thật thì không hẳn thế. Em vẫn từng ngày đối mặt với sự cô đơn, dằn vặt và tự ti vốn có trong em. Sau từng ấy năm tháng, em có thể đã trưởng thành hơn, đã có thể nhìn mọi việc bằng con mắt lý trí hơn. Có điều, sau từng ấy thời gian, em vẫn vướng mắc trong vỏ bọc của riêng mình, không sao thoát ra được.

Em sợ, thực tế thì em rất sợ là đằng khác. Em chưa bao giờ có được một mối quan hệ đàng hoàng chính đáng, chưa bao giờ được hưởng hạnh phúc bình thường như bao người khác. Vậy nên em sợ khi nó đến em lại không làm được. Anh từng bảo sự đổ vỡ ấy tất cả là do anh, rằng em đã cố gắng và làm nhiều hơn những gì em cần phải. Thế nhưng anh có bao giờ nghĩ rằng chính bản thân em cũng là một nguyên nhân cho sự chia rẽ giữa anh và em. Em là người lựa chọn bước ra khỏi cuộc đời anh lặng lẽ không báo trước. Em cũng là người bước chân vào cuộc đời anh. Nếu không có em, chắc anh cũng đã không phải tự dằn vặt mình nhiều như thế. Và có lẽ, em cũng là một trong những nguyên do các mối quan hệ sau này của anh lại một lần nữa không thành. Em xin lỗi.

Anh ạ, đừng nghĩ về chúng ta. Vì em, hơn hết vì bản thân anh, đừng tự hỏi những gì không thể. Khi em đưa ra quyết định ấy, em đã biết sẽ không có ngày quay đầu nhìn lại. Biết rằng em đã từng, hay đúng hơn rất nhiều lần tự mường tượng sẽ thế nào nếu em chưa bao giờ rời xa anh. Nhưng rồi, trong sâu thẳm tâm hồn em biết một khi em đã buông tay, em không có cái quyền níu giữ. Giống như khi xưa em không có một vị trí nào bên cạnh anh, thì bây giờ cũng thế. Ai cho em cái quyền làm ảnh hưởng đến suy nghĩ tâm tư anh? Không ai cả. Vậy nên vì hạnh phúc của riêng anh, hãy cứ nhớ đến em như một người bạn đã từng sẻ chia một quãng đường cùng anh, không gì hơn. Vào thời điểm này, anh nên ích kỉ. Anh có thể thành thật với cô ấy, thành thật về tất cả đã từng xảy ra giữa chúng ta. Một lúc nào đó cô ấy cần phải biết. Thế nhưng đừng để nó trở thành rào cản. Em tin vào lựa chọn của anh. Nếu cô ấy chấp nhận anh vì chính con người anh như em đã từng chấp nhận, cô ấy sẽ mang lại cho anh hạnh phúc. Anh của em giờ đã đổi thay rất nhiều, trở thành một người đàn ông có trách nhiệm hơn, biết suy nghĩ, biết phải trái. Anh không còn là đứa trẻ tập lớn của ngày ấy. Vậy nên cô ấy thật may mắn. May mắn vì có anh của ngày hôm nay. Anh cũng hãy trân trọng cô ấy vì đó là người có thể sẽ kiên nhẫn cùng anh vượt qua đoạn đường dài sắp tới.

Em luôn mơ ước điều tốt đẹp nhất dành cho anh. Trong hai ta, ít nhất một người cần hạnh phúc. 

People are talking, very loud.

I sit, staring at the river Thames.

It’s dark now, and no one is at home. 

All is left, all is gone.

Night is young, but I have no place to call.

Far along, a train pulled up its platform.

-

Once upon a time

There was a ballad song

Now just darkness passing all along.

You know, I often wonder

To whom I was living for?

Made up excuses, we all lie for what we can’t say

What we don’t want to believe

Or simply because the truth was just too hard to tell!

-

When I left that home

The world was wonderland

And I was Alive, floating down stone steps of freedom.

Now freedom is something too expensive I fear.

What have I bargained for, please tell me!

-

I don’t feel beautiful

Not anymore.

Without you there to tell me

What does beauty even stand for?

Do you even believe in God

And all His glory?

Do you believe in things like faith

Or that I have to go away?

-

‘Oh baby baby it’s a wild world!’

And you dreams, ambitions might have look cheaper than what you have to walk through!

Swimsuit 46

Chantal, a twelve-year-old girl, is training for her upcoming swimming competition. She came from a working class family where her mom owned a small pub. Like many girls in modern society, Chantal continuously struggles with her weight. She gets bully by other boys just because she looks bigger than what she supposes to. 

Chantal wanted to buy a new goggles for the competition, but her mom couldn’t afford it. She then went and washed cars around the area in order to gather enough money. On the last day just before the competition, she stole 200 euros from her mom because she was still short in money. Her mom was angry, but after listened to the reason why she had to steal, her mom decided to give her the money under a condition that she would clean her car. Her brother became jealous of the amount of money Chantal possessed, he went in her room and took it all.

Despite not having a new pair of goggles, Chantal went to the competition.

Even when life does not being kind by giving you all that you wish for, even when you loose all that you have worked diligently for and even when you are left with less than you deserve, be proud and keep on fighting.

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While you were gone

Mattias had a difficult relationship with his father. He grew up with many resentments and struggle through times of loneliness and confusion. 

In the middle of a white long corridor, he remembered all the hardships he had to endure, all the thoughts he had has (including moments when he wanted to end his life and those who once told him he wasn’t worth it) and all those who had helped him to realised the purpose of living.

After long hours of labour, his wife delivered a beautiful boy. Holding his son in his arms for the first time, Mattias reminded himself that even though it has not always been well and sound, his father still loves him and he still loves his father. Like many other relationships in our life. He picked up the phone to call his father, and a smile finally appeared on his face.

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I am a girl!

Joppe is a beautiful, tall and vibrant 13-year-old girl. She loves hanging out with her friends at school and fancies a boy named Brian. It would have been a normal life if she was not born a boy. 

Joppe keeps no secret of the fact that she is not, physically, a girl. Although she dresses, she is not yet old enough to undergo the complete transgender treatment. Upon getting into her puberty, she receives injections to control her male hormones from being released.

Joppe has led a normal life as a girl, but she still has a dream. She dreams that one day she would be able to transform into a complete woman, having somebody to love her for who she is like many others.

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I’ll tell you

Lola is a rebellious young girl. She hung out with a group of teenage boys and girls who were not approved by her mother. Among those, there was Kat and Andy. They had been in love for a long time, and Kat was pregnant.

One night after a long drinking section, Andy went behind the wheels. On the journey home, he crashed and died immediately. Kat was alive, but she was vegetated. However, the child survived.

Having known and observed them, Lola was convinced she knows what love is. Having various disagreements with her mother, Lola is determined to lead a life different from what her mother has done. 

The movie closes when Lola came to visit Kat and Andy’s child. 

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London Film Festival 2011 - Personal highlights